do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
