Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
