What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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