Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
