Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
