Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
