I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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