i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
