No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
