Your face is a jimmy john
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
