whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
