My friends, they love my intelligence
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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