If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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