What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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