in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
