Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
