I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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