It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
