fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
