sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
