Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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