Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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