I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
