I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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