I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
