dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
