don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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