If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
