Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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