Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
