drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
