6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
