I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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