Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
