You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
