I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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