My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
