Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
