I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
