you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
