I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
