After last night, I could never be a politician.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
