I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
