when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
