Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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