I want you more than these girls want KFC
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Randomize
