This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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