You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
