I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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