Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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