so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
