I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
