Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
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