i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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