he puts the penis in happiness.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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