she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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