wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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