and my herpes radar will keep us safe
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
