He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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