the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
